Does This Sound Familiar?

You’ve just achieved one of your biggest goals. Things seem to be going just the way you want them too. Perhaps it’s landing your dream job. Maybe it’s buying your first home or finally taking that dream vacation. But as the initial excitement fades, a nagging question surfaces:

“Why doesn’t this feel as fulfilling as I thought it would? Why am I still not satisfied?”

This is a very common phenomenon for people to chase their goals and desires, only to find that the achievement doesn’t bring the satisfaction they expected. It’s a common experience among many that reveals an important truth: knowing what you want is only half the equation. The real magic happens when you uncover why you want it.

Understanding the motivations behind our desires is crucial for living a life of purpose and authenticity. Often, our wants are shaped by external influence – society, family expectations, or fleeting trends—rather than our true selves. By delving into the “why,” we can separate superficial wants. This helps identify what genuinely aligns with our values and long-term happiness.

I cannot express how important your ‘why” is.

By the end, my hope is for you to have a clearer sense of not just what you want. I want you to understand why you want it. This clarity can transform your life.

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The Nature of Desire

What Do We Mean by “Wants”?

At its core, a “want” is a desire for something that we believe will improve our lives, bring us happiness, or fulfill a need. Unlike needs, which are essential for survival (like food, water, and shelter), wants are more about personal preference and aspirations. They vary widely from person to person and evolve over time as we grow and our circumstances change.

Different Types of Wants

• Material Wants: Tangible items or possessions, like a car, a home, or the latest smartphone. These often symbolize success or comfort.
• Emotional Wants: Intangible desires related to feelings, such as love, acceptance, or security. These often drive relationships and personal interactions.
• Intellectual Wants: A desire for knowledge, growth, or achievement in areas like education, skills, or creativity. These fuel our curiosity and ambition.
• Spiritual Wants: Aspirations tied to meaning, purpose, or connection to something greater than oneself. These often drive pursuits of mindfulness, faith, or service.

Each type of want shapes how we prioritize our time, energy, and resources, influencing the decisions we make in life. By defining our wants, we create a roadmap for what we believe will make us happy. However, when these wants are unclear or misaligned with our true selves, they can lead to unfulfilling pursuits.

The Role of Societal Influence

Many of our wants aren’t purely our own. They’re often shaped by the world around us—through cultural norms, media portrayals, or the expectations of others. Society has a powerful way of suggesting what we “should” want. This creates a set of default aspirations that might not align with who we are.

Examples of these societal influences include:

• Wealth and Fame: Media often glorifies financial success and celebrity status, portraying them as the ultimate measures of happiness.
• Appearance and Lifestyle: Advertisements and social media feed us idealized images of beauty and luxury, subtly implying that these are prerequisites for self-worth.
• Career Success: The cultural emphasis on climbing the corporate ladder can make us equate our value with our professional achievements.

While these societal benchmarks can inspire ambition, they can also lead to chasing goals that don’t resonate with our authentic selves. For example, someone might pursue a high-paying job, not because it fulfills them, but because society equates wealth with success. It is also very important to remember that what we see on TV and Social Media are the highlight reels. We do not often get the backstory to how wealth, fame, lifestyle, and career success came to fruition. The story is sure to be much less glamorous than what is shown on screen.

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The Importance of Asking “Why?”

Unpacking the Motivation Behind Desires

At first glance, it’s easy to identify what we want—a new car, a promotion, or a dream vacation. But beneath every desire lies a motivation, a deeper reason driving that want. Uncovering this motivation is critical for understanding whether pursuing it will genuinely bring fulfillment or merely offer fleeting satisfaction.

Motivations often stem from our values, experiences, and emotions.

By questioning our motivations, we can separate what truly matters from what’s superficial or externally imposed.

Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivations

1. Intrinsic Motivations
   • These are driven by internal rewards, such as personal growth, curiosity, or a sense of purpose.
   • Examples:
     • Learning a new skill because it excites you.
     • Pursuing a creative hobby for self-expression.
   • Intrinsic motivations often result in greater long-term satisfaction because they align with who we are at our core.
2. Extrinsic Motivations
   • These are driven by external rewards or pressures, such as money, status, or approval from others.
   • Examples:
     • Taking a high-paying job solely to impress others.
     • Posting on social media for likes and validation.
   • While extrinsic motivations can drive short-term achievement, they often leave us feeling unfulfilled when the external reward is no longer present.

Understanding whether your motivation is intrinsic or extrinsic can help you determine whether a particular goal is worth pursuing. Achieving external driven goals will always achieve satisfaction, however: this is fleeting. Once the initial “high” subsides you will always find yourself needing more and underwhelmed by what you have gained. When we dig deeper into why we want something, we often uncover underlying needs, values, or fears that might not be immediately obvious.